Communion Journal

Praise the Lord, oh my soul, for he is worthy to be praised. He has loved you with an everlasting love. Yet you doubt this and don’t believe. Save me from this wretched unbelief my God. Let me look to the cross and feel more than warm regard. You did not die that I might have warm regard, but that I might be broken and remade. This brokenness you will not despise

Communion Journal

Sinfully stayed up late engaging in vanities last night so that I was tired and lethargic this morning. Did not want to seek after God. Joy of joys I was enabled to believe that God’s grace would shine through the brighter in my sin. Later I was enabled to pray with some degree of fervency for my own sake and for the sake of churches who are not dwelling with God and pastors who do not plead with people to commune with God.

Communion Journal

God was big to me today. Showed me once again the beauty of a willingness of fighting all of God’s foes, both internal and external. The former from Owen and the latter from Bunyan. Spent the last hour(s) showing all of this to Ellie but do not think I have the strength to write it all down. God be praised for his goodness to me.

Communion Journal

Yesterday morning had a good time of prayer and yet afterward struggled with smugness as doing all my duty before God by my life and prayer.
Kill it in me Lord.
Thus, for today, I have been in a way of confusion. Is God calling me to do this thing or that thing? Perhaps this is God’s voice, perhaps my own conscience, perhaps my wandering mind, perhaps some demon.
Lord, give me a steadiness of walk. I do know your voice, I believe, buy my doubts and faithlessness cause me to look for your voice where it is not. Lord, let me find you today for this is my highest good. If I cannot find you, let me seek after you with my whole strength for this is my highest duty. If I can not thus seek, let me be full of contrition and morning—for I am the most miserable of men without you nor means to you. If I cannot be full of contrition—then woe is me. I show myself as a Laodicean.

Communion Journal

Yesterday, I fest such ready access to God’s throne room. Where did that go?

Communion Journal

What wonderful truths are opened to us. What an easy way he provided for us. Lord, let me abide herein. Was able to pray in Spirit for another man’s communion and was able to see my prayers answered within moments of praying. What sweet things the Lord has for us in prayer.

Communion Journal

Had some good prayer, reading, and studying this morning and early afternoon. Had some good hope in finding communion. Into the evening, found myself being frustrated at nothing again and again. Made some use of means against this and had some success, yet my sin would continue to manifest itself. Lord, descend on me, that I might cast off this body of death. Conform me to your image. Let me walk in your ways.

Communion Journal

Found myself bored. What a sign against my communion with God. How can I be bored if I am in love with God? Lord, give me a sense of my need for you. Replace my apathy with desperation.

What Is Owed Us?

Like everything else in Christianity, communion is never owed to the Christian. There is a large temptation when seeking after God, to think, “If I do this particular thing, then God will owe me his presence.” The older, wiser Christian learns that this is wrong fairly quickly, but then often gets stuck in a more mature version of the same thought: “If I do this particular thing, with the right attitude, then God will owe me his presence.” This is just as wrong as the first thought.

How long will it be, until we learn the truth of the words, “Apart from me you can do nothing.”

The beginning of that phrase says this, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

I often mistakenly look at this as a commandment that can be followed. If I abide in God, then I will be able to do things. So I must first abide in God. That must be something I, in my own power, am able to do. If not in my own power, then there must be something that I can do, that God will always reward by drawing near to me. In my experience, there is no such thing. Instead, the words, “Apart from me you can do nothing” apply even to our abiding with God.

What must we do then? Apply the principle taught in 2Tim 2:24-25(ref). We read our Bibles, we pray, we do everything we can to humble ourselves and exult in the Lord. Yet even in all of that, God will likely never draw near if we say to ourselves; “Look at what a good job I am doing.” Instead, say to yourself, “God may perhaps grant me repentance.” It is not owed for our service, but God delights to give it, so we wait on it, we look for it around every corner.

Then, so often, it comes. It comes unexpectedly: in my experience, always unexpectedly. Joy floods in.

God, may we have this attitude in everything we do, that we will, in humility, run hard after you, saying all the while, “God may perhaps grant repentance.”

Communion Journal

Today was a day filled with good prayer and hard work. Spent some time with another believer this morning praying in a chapel. Felt enabled to pray honestly and openly to my God which is a miracle of sorts especially while with another person. Yesterday, I was inspired to communion with God by this same man telling his story and how his life is ten times more full than he ever thought it would be. This is how God blesses his beloved, by giving them far more than they ask or imagine. Praise be to God. How could we ever doubt his goodness?