Communion Journal

Yesterday, I entered into a great confusion. All decisions—from great to small—seemed impossible to make. This drove me to a sort of despair in prayer to God. The confusion was such that I could not determine whether the despair was of a godly sort(as it yielded desperate prayer)or of a doubting sort(have I not commanded you be strong and courageous)? The confusion seemed of the same nature as Paul’s in Phi. 1:21. Should he live or die? “Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two.” In the end the great good he could do the Church prompts him to choose life. Though my doubt is not between life and death, I have the same type of confusion over choices that should be clear. Yet in the absurdity of God’s upside-down kingdom they become muddied. Paul cleared his confusion not with a remembrance of God’s goodness but by remembering his own fruitfulness in God’s vineyard. I do not have such fruit in God’s Church, how then shall I make such decisions?

Whether this confusion was Godly or not I cannot say, but by the end of the day, I was very glad for it as it produced several sweet fruits, the greatest of which was a groaning of my spirit for the salvation of souls. I felt it a great sign of my heart’s softening that it could reach such despair over my own lack of fruit in that area.

Towards the goal of evangelism, I purchased a Bible and began compiling a list of verses that seem useful in evangelical conversations.

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On another note, several days ago I decided to stop striving so hard to find faith and delight in what God is going to do for me today and to focus more in finding joy and delight in what he has already accomplished. I wonder if yesterday’s confusion was a consequence of that decision.

Communion Journal

Oh my soul, shout for joy to God. How can you be anything but exultant? Sing the glory of his name; give to him glorious praise! Say to God, “How awesome are your deeds!” My gracious God, I cannot comply with these things on my own. I cannot raise my own soul to worship you. I need your help today. Have mercy on this fragmented heart. Incline it towards your testimonies and unite it in joy therein. I delight that provision has already been made to answer this prayer. Christ’s blood has already been shed and he—even your own Son—now pleads that same blood on my behalf. Why, oh Lord, do men put their hope in anything else? Why do I—who knows of the greatness of your salvation—trust in anything else? Forgive me my God, for my transgressions are great. I ought be crushed because of them. Yet I am not crushed—indeed I am the very righteousness of God because my savior bled for this very cause. For the sake of my half-heartedness this morning he died.

Why oh Lord am I forced through this process every morning? Why must I seek you with lifelessness again and again? Put an end to it. Break through that I might worship you.

The Wounded Soul

It takes a wound. This wounding must be done by God. He has a way of striping our souls bare and exposing the depths of what we are. We all fear—deep down—that we are failures. The wounding comes when we see the truth of these things. The one wounded freely acknowledges that everyone ought hate him. Until now, he has feared that his family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers would discover unspeakable shame in himself. He has hidden this fear, but now the full force of it comes and he is undone. All of his hopes and dreams are for nothing. All of his desires are for things that he either wont get, or that aren’t worth getting anyway. He falls into utter despair. He is cut to the quick. From this wound, there is no recovery.

Such despair is essential to the conversion process. Heretofore, the source of a man’s dreams, joys, hopes, and delights has not been God. He has always feared, “maybe I am of no use to anyone.” Now he knows that this is completely correct. When God speaks, you can’t say nice things back to him. You lay as one slain. This is the gospel: we can’t save ourselves, only God can.

John Bunyan said:

Conversion is not the smooth, easy-going process some men seem to think … It is wounding work, of course, this breaking of the hearts, but without wounding there is no saving. … Where there is grafting there is a cutting, the scion must be let in with a wound; to stick it on to the outside or to tie it on with a string would be of no use. Heart must be set to heart and back to back, or there will be no sap from root to branch, and this I say, must be done by a wound.

The Christian life not only starts in this manner, but it continues in the same. God hands the knife over to us and tells us to keep cutting. We are to put ourselves utterly to death in order that he might live in us. Yet our sinful hearts do not die easily. We strive for success in ministry. We want everyone to see how Godly we are. We are willing to do many things for God but there are things that we hold back, things we believe we will care for better than he would.

Instead, toss everything on the alter, and watch while God destroys it all.

Christians, when they are acting as Christians are untouchable. What will you say to a man that freely abides in such despair. Will you turn his friends against him? Will you destroy his property? Will you attack him physically? He already gave up on all of these things long ago. Christ is now his rock. He cares not what man can do.

Most people will spend their entire lives running from such an experience as this. The unconverted are not alone in avoiding God, we who know God spend much of our time in the same pursuit.

Some verses