Was able to draw near to God tonight through the writings of Owen. Here are a few quotes:

This is the great fundamental privilege of the gospel, that believers, in all their holy worship, have liberty, boldness, and confidence, to enter with it and by it into the gracious presence of God.

God set bounds unto mount Sinai, that none should pass or break through into his presence in the giving of the law. He hath set none to mount Zion, but all believers have right, title, and liberty to approach unto him, even unto his throne. There is no such order now, that he who draws nigh shall be cut off; but on the contrary, that he that doth not so do shall be destroyed.

The nature of gospel worship consists in this, that it is an entrance with boldness into the presence of God. However men may multiply duties, of what sort or nature soever they be, if they design not in and by them to enter into the presence of God, if they have not some experience that so they do, if they are taken up with other thoughts, and rest in the outward performance of them, they belong not unto evangelical worship. The only exercise of faith in them is in an entrance into the presence of God.

Today was another uphill battle to find joy. Yet my head broke through the clouds on several occasions. Was able to meet with some men tonight and had much freedom in prayer to plead with God, to see his smiling face, and to confess my sinfulness before him. What a joy is our God. He blesses us with all blessings and more besides. What a bliss it will be to cast of the husk of flesh that hates God all day long—to enter into the freedom of eternal and unhindered worship. That will be a great day.

Yesterday joy was elusive. Fought with some degree of persistence and found joy but would quickly loose it to return to a pensive, doubting, fearful frame.

Yesterday evening was enabled to enjoy a sweet, trusting frame and to share that hope with friends.

Today is also one of striving but with more success. Was enabled with some fervency to dedicate all to God. Once again felt faced with an offer from God that he would give us the ministry we want or that we could continue to follow him down a more hidden road. Joyously, was able once again to trust unto God our path.

Have been fairly sick today. Yet even in the midst of retching, I have been enabled to cry out to God for holiness. If this sickness aids my putting off of the old man then it is exactly what I want. Lord, make me as sick as is necessary to turn my heart towards you.

Had eyes to see God’s holiness to a large degree this morning. This led to repentance and wonder that it is God’s very holiness that he communicates to us. This realization led to more repentance: God gives us his own holiness for free, and yet we continue to live our lives in our own strength and power. We could have God’s own love, God’s own spirit of forgiveness and longsuffering communicated to us. Yet we choose to try to build our own.

Wrestled hard today for communion with God. Yet in all my wrestling I was also denying using the proper means unto that communion. I woke up early, I prayed, I read scripture, I meditated on songs and stories of grace. Yet in all of this I did not attend unto the Spirit of grace who alone can lift our heads to see our Savior. Owen says of this:

These things ought to be explicitly attended unto by us, if we intend our faith, and love, and duties of obedience should be evangelical. … It is, therefore, of the highest importance unto us to inquire into and secure unto ourselves the promised workings of the Holy Spirit; for by them alone are the love of the Father and the fruits of the mediation of the Son communicated unto us, without which we have no interest in them, and by them alone are we enabled to make any acceptable returns of obedience unto God. It is sottish ignorance and infidelity to suppose that, under the gospel, there is no communication between God and us but what is, on his part, in laws, commands, and promises; and on ours, by obedience performed in our strength, and upon our convictions unto them. To exclude hence the real internal operations of the Holy Ghost, is to destroy the gospel.

Now I have been enabled to approve of and delight in God’s means of saving sinners. Whereas before I was feeling sorry for myself that my own patience and efforts in trying to appropriate Christ’s blood we not availing me. Now I am glad that such were denied for in doing so, I would make a mockery of God’s way of salvation and supplant it with my own way.

Yesterday, was able to reflect on recent events with a joy-filled heart. It often seems that much of our time is spent in a state of murmuring (which God calls rebellion) rather than in contentment with what he is doing. It is hard to see the extent of this but by looking back while in communion with God.

Have been struggling after God most of the day today with only small glimpses of success. Monday, I had a day that was extremely filled with sweetness in communion with God, yet I didn’t write anything down from the time. Yesterday as well, found some communion in the book of Job. Yet today is much harder. The reason I’m making sure to write about it is so that I can laugh at my accuser later when God uses this day to my benefit and the benefit of his kingdom. Though my efforts are nothing, God is mighty and faithful to make sure that they are put to good use.

Had a few moments of freedom in prayer this morning and glimpses of God’s glory. Yet prayer and seeking has been more characterized by lifelessness. In a way this coldness (or at least the awareness of it) is a small victory. It has been a long time since I’ve fought for God hard enough to feel the weight of failure therein.

Came to some degree of fervency in prayer this morning. As our situation comes to be less desperate, I tend to pray with less passion. I’m not sure the best way to combat this. This is all the more reason to rejoice that I’ve been able to pray with some freedom this morning.