The trial the Lord has us in seems to progressively deepen. As always, he still shows his kindness to us in a myriad of ways, and yet he has not allowed us to have any particular success in any ministry. It is an odd sort of trial. God gives us grace to care more for the success of his Church and Kingdom than for our own prosperity; yet the more we are enabled to care, the less we are enabled to accomplish.
My failures in this trial are such:
- I’m sometimes filled with jealousy for men who have some great ministry. This is especially severe when I perceive them as having less advantage in sanctification than God has given to me. What a travesty this is. I should rejoice that God chooses the weak things of this world to give himself more glory. Moreover, I should not compare myself to other Christians but to see my own miserable condition before the Lord and call myself the least of the Christians and the chief of sinners. Lastly, I should give thanks to the Lord for this trial especially when the fruit of it is a perceptibly growing dependence on him in all things.
- I lust after recognition and accolades. I think to myself that if I can get to know the right people, or if I can get some particular understanding that others lack, than I can show myself deserving of some post or position in ministry. This can turn to triumphal spitefulness, when I attain some of these accolades, as I imagine I can hold them over the heads of my detractors.
This latter sin, I was struggling with just yesterday, which is what prompts me to write this.
Thank the Lord that he gives us strength to see this trail through to the other side. We will wait upon the Lord for his deliverance and his victory. He will show himself our mighty go’el, we will have victory from him or we will have none.