Yesterday, I entered into a great confusion. All decisions—from great to small—seemed impossible to make. This drove me to a sort of despair in prayer to God. The confusion was such that I could not determine whether the despair was of a godly sort(as it yielded desperate prayer)or of a doubting sort(have I not commanded you be strong and courageous)? The confusion seemed of the same nature as Paul’s in Phi. 1:21. Should he live or die? “Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two.” In the end the great good he could do the Church prompts him to choose life. Though my doubt is not between life and death, I have the same type of confusion over choices that should be clear. Yet in the absurdity of God’s upside-down kingdom they become muddied. Paul cleared his confusion not with a remembrance of God’s goodness but by remembering his own fruitfulness in God’s vineyard. I do not have such fruit in God’s Church, how then shall I make such decisions?
Whether this confusion was Godly or not I cannot say, but by the end of the day, I was very glad for it as it produced several sweet fruits, the greatest of which was a groaning of my spirit for the salvation of souls. I felt it a great sign of my heart’s softening that it could reach such despair over my own lack of fruit in that area.
Towards the goal of evangelism, I purchased a Bible and began compiling a list of verses that seem useful in evangelical conversations.
On another note, several days ago I decided to stop striving so hard to find faith and delight in what God is going to do for me today and to focus more in finding joy and delight in what he has already accomplished. I wonder if yesterday’s confusion was a consequence of that decision.